Something I have had to come to terms with as a highly anxious person is that I am, in most situations, somewhat uncomfortable. There’s two responses (well, two healthier adapted responses) I think you can have to discomfort; to make yourself more comfortable, or to find a situation that is inherently more comfortable. Neither strategy is an all-purpose answer; they both have their merits and use cases. The trick is determining which idea serves you better in the moment. There’s a couple very nuanced truths I think you have to remember and discern, no matter how much you may dislike it, which are the following:
- Just because something makes you uncomfortable does not necessarily dictate that it has no right to take space.← this logic applies to discomfort but not to danger. Just because a certain person has a look or demographic that you find unappealing, from trans folks to dipshits in red MAGA hats (I’m sorry, you look like a dipshit and this whole article is about discomfort. If you’re reading this at all, that’s points for you, though!) if they do nothing that threatens your health or safety, means they have the right to exist.
- Just because something takes up space doesn’t mean it has the inherent right to make you uncomfortable. ← and this logic applies to those "I'm just asking questions" or contrarian types who like to suggest that some form of bigotry is an issue of free speech over safety, just for sake of example. It also means that cis white men have as much a place in the world as you do, even though their struggles look vaaaastly different.
So how do we determine what levels of discomfort are okay? When should we let ourselves be challenged by a situation, and when should we feel like we are safe? If I could answer that in a blog, I’d put it behind a paywall and charge everyone five bucks for the answer. But honestly, even the people who claim they have that answer and want the money for it don’t have the slightest idea what’s going to be right for you.
A very long time ago, I made a decision about my decision making. Whenever confronted with a choice with two outcomes that I couldn’t ultimately see the answer for, I picked the outcome that I didn’t know. So, for a simple example, when 11:30 at an open mic rolled around and it was time to decide whether to go to the diner with the lifer-comedians or go home and get a decent amount of sleep before work, I picked the diner because I hadn’t done that before and I wanted to know what would happen.
Ultimately, staying out late often enough you get a decent intuition for the kinds of things that happen in the world after hours and I make that decision less often. But this was a pretty useful exercise in teaching myself how to be uncomfortable– I was uncomfortable, but I made the decision, so I had some autonomy in how I ended up wherever I was, and I had a reason for the decision, which for lack of less dry terms, was data collection.
There is a parable,(a Buddhist Koan I believe) called the Barefoot King, (which fun fact, I illustrated as a children’s book several years ago and will re-release at some point if I ever find it again, and is also available as a children’s book by a different author/illustrator here) in which a king travels his kingdom barefoot, and becomes enraged when he stubs his toe. He orders his army to carpet his entire kingdom, when one of his advisors suggests that he “carpet his feet” instead, which leads to the development of the sandal.
This story helps visualize the idea of internal and external control; what makes me feel safe? Am I safe? Is my fear for my safety caused by something around me, or something inside me? It’s not always easy to ascertain these things in the moment, personally I only reach these conclusions long after the fact. But, when given enough time and experiences, the big scary choices boil down to “I’ve seen this movie before” or even “I’ve been that drunk crying embarassment before”. I guess what I’m saying is, I think empathy comes from lived experience, and while you might not necessarily have the same life struggles as someone else, you’re far more likely to give them grace if you’ve been the monster before. There are no perfect angels and devils in the human world, and you have to experience the power and strength your teeth may have when ripping something to shreds before you can use them to protect others.
As we head into 2025, and the impending preposterousness that it is likely to entail, I guess my question for myself, and one I offer to you, is how do I protect myself? When is protecting myself an objective detriment to others? How do I navigate those two facets of life? How do I stand up for myself and make a comfortable space in my discomfort? When is it more beneficial for me to leave in order to protect myself?
Again, there's no straight answers here, but I think that's sort of the point. You're going to find your own path, and build the callous on your feet (or hell, rock the doc martens or whatever) to walk it safely.
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